Once upon a time, my mother had my sister and I take IQ tests. I got a 135.
I don't take much stock in IQ tests, even if they are administered by a therapist, because there are so many ways they can differ from each other.
I ended up entering my high school years and realising my friends didn't think the same way I do, so I dumbed myself down. Severely.
Something has happened in the 14 or so years since we took those tests. I think I have gotten stupider. Not stupider in areas like random trivia or maths, but more in the areas of social interaction.
I have become an idiot in the minds of others because I fail to understand things they think are simple. The people closest to me think I'm stupid because I don't think about things like doing the dishes or taking the rubbish out without being asked, or because I don't understand when the person closest to me is trying to instigate sex. I can tell you the volume of a cone but I can't tell when the person who is supposed to love me unconditionally wants to be physical, intimately.
I can barely finish a sentence anymore without people thinking I have no idea what I'm talking about. I can't have an independent thought without some one thinking I've adopted my opinion from what my friends do or from what the news tells me. "Oh you want to have a break well you only want that because the latest episode of American Dad said it"
I can't be sad.
Being sad means I'm a 12 year old on tumblr, trying to get attention, any attention. It means I'm a drama queen and trivialises what has been done to me. It means I'm a grown up now and I have no reason to be so "emo" about what is done to me. My complaints are worth nothing because they aren't "real" complaints.
Hypocrisy means nothing. If I even dare to do the things that are done to me to other people I am automatically a terrible person who deserves to cry for hours upon hours about how pathetic her life is.
I'm not even allowed to talk about it because it's no one else's business, despite how many physical wounds it causes or how often I contemplate suicide as an alternative to this.
My life is not my own anymore and I can't even talk about it because if I do, I will be beaten to death within 24 hours.
If I break a promise, it's the end of the world, but if anyone else does, I have to suck it up and deal with it because I'm a grown up.
I have never felt so upset in my entire life, and still the person closest to me regards it as juvenile, trivial, and worthless, because he caused it.
All I wanted to do was drink myself to happiness tonight. Someone woke up and it turned out that no, I wasn't "allowed" to drink two of the last three ciders as well as the bottle of wine. I was just being selfish, for trying to drown the sorrows that he caused. If he did it (like the several other times I've woken up to a sudden lack of alcohol that should have been mine if things were divided equally like I'd thought, but nooooooo I'm supposed to accept less than anyone else because I'm automatically worth less than he is because I lack a Y chromosome) I'd be expected to just say "okay" and keep my sadness to myself. Anything short of that is selfish and pathetic and no one should have to be subject to how I feel because it's such a burden.
Because of all this, I try to avoid arguments, because I know it will always come back to me being an idiot. There is never any point in saying anything when it will be ignored and turned against you. My worst enemy is Logic because what is logical to me is illogical to him, and his Logic is the supreme law of the world. Anything that subverts this is wrong and should be punished.
I'm not even going to mention the whole attitude of "I've been nice for three days, you are obligated to forget every horrible thing I've done to you in the last year because of this" thing.
I'm sorry to make you read all this, the three people who still read my posts. It's just I've never felt closer to suicide in my life and I'm sick of being told I'm doing it just for the attention and I wish it would just end.